Week 5 Update
I am one of those individuals who was molested at an evangelical church by a church member. From about 9-13 each Sunday morning. Like many abused children, I didn’t come forward right away, because I was told and felt like I wouldn’t be believed. The first time I voiced the abuse - I wasn’t believed by those in spiritual authority. I was threatened by spiritual authority, through the word of God, “If any of you has a dispute with another, do you dare to take it before the ungodly for judgement instead of before the Lord’s people?…” 1 Corinthians 6:1-8, Matthew 18:15-20. However, I was promised the situation would be watched carefully as a precaution towards my accusation. A couple of years later (around the age 15) I saw my abuser going down the vacant halls with a young girl. This didn’t sit well with me. This was the second time I voiced the abuse. I trusted the church enough to do what they promised to do within God’s law… They didn’t hold up their end of the bargain. I marched into the pastor's office armed with a scripture, “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever takes the lowly position of this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven… If anyone causes one of these little ones - those who believe in me - to stumble, it would be better for them to have a large millstone hung around their neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea.” Matthew 18:2-6 Looking back all these years and lifetimes later, it was like I knew the spirit ravaging journey I was being directed towards.
I was told I was no longer welcome at the church. I was disrupting the growth of other Christians. I was already attending the local Bible College. I wanted to be a missionary and nurse. It was a very conflicting time... I felt judged and misunderstood everywhere I went. I was caught between two worlds. The world I was raised in and taught to believe in, and continued to search for understanding through... and then the world that helped ease the pain the other world helped create. Those in spiritual authority manipulated God’s word to manipulate my support system. Those in spiritual authority altered every appointed piece of my spiritual makeup.
The sexual abuse was the least of the traumas. I believed in God. I gave my heart to Christ at a very early age. I never lost my belief in God, but the church sure did skew my perception of Him. No, the spiritual abuse inflicted by spiritual authority was the most damaging.
The disappointment, disbelief, and fear of not having anyone I could trust. The internal pain I had to keep to myself, the lack of understanding, the misplaced and misunderstood judgments, began to manifest in physical and repressing ways. The shame, guilt and pain had to go somewhere. Many fall into this. Many. The only thing I could trust to stop the pain, and listen to the pain, was whatever it was I was doing to numb it and silence the internal turmoil. I couldn’t share with or find those accountable to carry their own guilt, so for decades it became my burden that eventually turned into oppressive shame. The lack of accountability, the unnerving ability of using God’s word to manipulate the mishandled, the victim shaming, the cover-ups, the lack of resolve. It affected me and my entire family unit greatly.
20+ years later, the ripples of the initial impact still roll out. The Lord has been faithful throughout the restoration process of our family, though. It has been a time of unraveling man-made religious law vs. the relationship Jesus desires to have with each and every one of His children. It has taken willingness, acceptance, understanding, and humility on each of us. I am honored and blessed to have a family with strong character qualities such as these. He is working hard on our family unit to continue to give us understanding so that not only can we heal as a family, but to become a voice for those silenced or unseen in society.
I hated drinking, but the vice I used to dull the voiceless shame had become an addiction too strong for any program, doctor, or therapist. I didn’t want this stronghold. I hated it. It felt like an act of self-pity, but there was this persistent nagging behind it that made me drive 13 hours just to sit in the sanctuary of my childhood church one late fall in 2019. God did amazing things during this time. He allowed those walls to cry out that rainy Ohio day. He sent an unexpected advocate to my side. It was through everyone’s obedience that the true healing and restoration process began.
Early 2020, I was really trying to will myself through my own detox. I was up to 3 days off - one night on. That evening I was drinking a 6-pack to keep the shakes and sweats at bay. At my worst, I could put down a liter of vodka a night. I didn’t want to be drinking. I didn’t want the craving. I just wanted to be free. I knew He could save me. I knew He could free me. There was no other way to turn and I knew that I knew He was that powerful if it be within His will. That’s when I cried out to Him in a way He could hear me and gather up the shattered pieces of my spirit. I woke up on the floor sometime later. The right side of my face was drooping and a big knot on my head. I had a stroke from the stress of the detox on my system. The whole thing was a God-given miracle though, as the cravings were gone. Completely gone! From there, He took me to a quiet, safe place, He gave me time to mend, to listen and learn how to hear and see things the way they and I were always intended to be.
To bring me to this place of healing, I needed a space and time away from everything and everyone I knew. I needed to take time to dissect the jumbled-up mess. I needed to learn to hear and see Him - a God outside of the conditioning. I needed fresh opportunities, I needed to find confidence, I needed to find self-worth. Now sober and finally free from the haunting depression and dark black holes, I was finally able to begin to be the, Elizabeth, without the shame and oppression, without the depression and outside of addiction... That's not something I can ever recall knowing of myself. I move forward in full faith of His promises and desires for all of His creation. I’m honored to be able to still be used outside of my miserable existence that took up most of my youth through adult life. Due to his forgiveness, faithfulness and restoring power, I know He is able to use me to reach a demographic that may not feel safe within a church setting or within a religious community. This space is just to be a place for those in need of the same space, time, understanding, confidence boosting, creative outlet and fresh opportunities. When our spirit is intact our very soul begins its own restoration process. When the soul begins to shift to align with the spirit you will start to see habits and strongholds start to fall off. This space is for those. It is an interim. It is a place for application and understanding. It’s a place to give fresh opportunities that help reinstall confidence, drive and a person's very will to succeed. I believe with these ingredients, you create an environment and space that some will hear God for the first time.
This entry isn’t easy for me to write or express. I cannot help but feel fearful of disbelief and of people's judgments. I’m not called to be fearful, though. He has worked heavily on me within these areas, though and has given me a deeper understanding and empathy than some. My only hope in sharing my experience is to help impart understanding to supporters, skeptics, and to those I feel led to reach out to. The outcasts, the unseen, the unheard, those with shattered spirits and lost dreams… There’s still hope for them. If we allow Him, He will restore us uniquely and with purpose. If He could do it for me… He can do it for them.
