The Adoption Story

Chapter 5

12.23’

The Adoption Story

According to the Adoption Network US Adoption Stats, currently read:
(2022 US Adoption Attitudes Survey; Adoption by the numbers, 2022)

~Currently there are around 5 million adopted Americans.

~In 2019 there were approximately 115,353 adoptions.

~In 2016 noted a near 49% non Mexican, white infant or child adoptions. 25% were non white adoptions. The African American adoptions out of foster care is apparently, “disproportionately represented”.

~26-29% make it out of long term foster care before aging out at 18.

~391,000 children are in foster care on an average day in our modern day era. In 2022 nearly 214,000 children ENTERED into foster care. 70% of those are infants. 

~In 2023 federal funding for all that encumbers the foster care program totaled 10.6 billion dollars.

~According to NSAP 75% of adopted children under the age 5 are read or sang to everyday.

~Birthparents get a surprisingly bad rap. Most birthmothers are between 25-35. Close to 10% of birth parents are married and more than half already have had other children.

~Now nearly 95% of adoptions are open. This allows the adoptee to have some contact if so desired with their birth family. This rule changed around the 90’s when up to that point adoptions tended to be closed and sealed within the courts. This also was governed state to state.

~Barna Research and The Heritage Foundation recently stated that Christians are more than twice likely to adopt; not only adopt but adopt those with special needs, older children or children known as, “hard to place”, over the general population.

~However; no one not even the Christians or other religious groups are taking in those with AIDS or other misunderstood and hard to treat sexually transmitted diseases.

In mind’s eye I can still see my parents faces when I looked up from our evening prayers. I had started to pray for a brother around 4 years old. A year and a half later; I’m sure they still recall my stunned face, when they told me, “Your baby sister is coming home tomorrow!”. Wait… Hold the evaluator… Sister?! And yes, I was a little worried at that age that God got the order wrong. God knew what He was doing. I don’t remember the actual day we went to meet and pick up our new daughter/sister from the Court House, but the picture of me holding her behind the judges desk is one of my most priceless possessions.

I could never understand why I never felt like I belonged or that I was wanted. This isn’t uncommon for adoptees, but is it uncommon for any of us? How many people have you ministered to that say, “I just don’t feel like a belong…anywhere.” We are His creation. We are not gods. We have no royal blood in these veins, and even the royals are just human. I had some of the best parents a gal can ask for, but I couldn’t feel wanted by them due to the rejection, fear, anger, I was either already feeling or had absorbed in the womb. Until I was able to understand the reasoning behind this, it literally affected every aspect of my life. Relationships being the most affected. This is why it is so important for us to understand things. It doesn’t mean we have to accept them, but through understanding we have more power to work on them. By understanding others who are burdened and don’t understand why… taking the time to sit with them and unravel the untruths and truths behind it… There is power there. Without the understanding - the work is incomplete. It might look finished, but the work won’t take without the understanding behind it.

Nature Vs. Nurture. The applications to our spiritual walks with Him are god-given parallels! I encourage you to sit with your own experiences within your family unit. Your childhood, youth, and adult lives and how your relationship with your family changes throughout these milestones.

~ What kind of changes do you notices in these age markers? They weren’t instant, were they? Did it take patience and understanding to achieve them?

~ What are somethings you learned from your Father or Mother? Good/bad traits. The way you believe. The way you perceive life and your moral code. How much of that is conditioned into you? How much of it did you have to unravel?

~ Your Father and Mother, do they appear to learn things from you? Its been such a gift to grow up with my family and watch the growth we now encourage and look for in one another.

~ Have you noticed your Father and Mother hit their own milestones whether it be personal growth, career, their relationship. How has your relationship evolved with them over the years?

~What kind of frustration and anger have you felt before as a parent? Can you remember a time you held your head in shame as a youth - over a choice that disappointed your folks? How much more must our Heavenly Father’s frustration be over each and everyone of us…

~ You grow to have your own children and things seem to become more clear as you step into the shoes of your parents and then you start to see how their parents perhaps imprinted things on your parents that hindered or helped them. What euphonies do you have?

Perhaps it is not inherent to us to be adopted into such greatness. Is that why we fight it so hard? I believe this requires a humility that is not a nature characteristic for us. Just as many of us in our youth that thought our parents didn’t know anything, so we do it our way. If we do not strive to humble our, know-it-all nature, we cannot learn the lessons as He wants us too. Our near saint like ideologies can often mute the very thing He’s trying to impart to us.

I don’t know about you but I’ve lost track of how many, “I’m sorry mom and dad for…” texts and phone calls they’ve received now that I am a parent. I get it now. Perhaps this is God’s way of showing us how sometimes He has had to interject to help protect us. When nothing makes sense and we feel like He’s punishing us. When really it’s like a parent silently intervening for their child because they know the child can’t understand why; just now, but it has to be done in order to preserve the child, so one day he may have the understanding of, “Gosh, that’s why they did that…”. Is it any different in our walks with Christ?

How He might have to love us until we can love ourselves. How He might be terribly disappointed in us at times and have to teach us otherwise. How He might not be able to always change the course of action (through another’s free will) but He can help lead us out of the despair or pain another one of His children afflicted on to another of His children… our siblings in Christ. Powerful correlations that I’d love to build more on. I pray you spend time with this…

Great insights of our Father’s love for us shine through our everyday struggles and over-comings. Ask the Holy Spirit to reveal special correlations of the, nature Vs. nurture, of our Carnal and Spiritual selves, to our relationship with our Heavenly Father to our Earthly Father.

To some, the Heavenly Father is the only Father they might ever know. To others, the Heavenly Father might seem intimidating and hurtful since their earthly father intimidated and hurt them. To some the Heavenly Father might not exist since they never knew their earthy father. To some the Heavenly Father might represent brim stone and fire, since that’s how their father preached from the pulpit each Sunday. To others the Heavenly Father could represent patience, love and kindness, since that is how their earthly father walked and talked. All different types of scenarios exist and they do for a reason. You can’t talk to each person the same way. Jesus knew that. We are not another’s salvation. We were not sent here to save them. That is not our job. We are here to encourage, to plant seeds, nurture and to show a different way. We are here to set an example of how Christ walked, talked and preached… not to condemn, not to shame, not to judge, and most certainly not to draw man made lines in the sand. If you plant the seed; God in His faithfulness and in his perfect timing, will draw that line and it will be up to the individual to have the right tools to hear, see and know Him. You plant the seed and need to be providing the tools. Nothing more. Let Him do it - for then it will be perfect and complete.

Our earthy Father’s can leave a lasting impression to the relationship with our Heavenly Father. Sadly, many are stripped of this opportunity. How much harder it must be for those without such a bond. We don’t see them, but they are beside us everyday. This is why it's important to talk to each person without judgement. You don’t know what has caused them to feel and react the way they do to religion or to God. When you just preach without understanding & what lies behind it - chances are it won’t penetrate the soul. Whereas, you preach with understanding you might just see the soul absorb it like a sponge.

I have to believe our God is a learned and patient God, because He has only shown me patience, understanding (which does not mean accepting), forgiveness and grace. My earthly father also tried to live by these things, as I do. I wouldn’t put patience high on either one our of strengths though. My mother, however is very patient. When my dad would get frustrated in a teaching moment my mother would step in and be that intercessor that the situation needed. Eventually I would comprehend what she was showing me. If she wasn’t around - I was never given the opportunity to show him I could grasp his instructions and complete the task given to me. His line of work required perfection and his efficient personality seemed to come natural. He would take the task I was given, and complete it himself. The only thing I learned in those moments is that I must not be smart enough if I can’t catch on without someone dumbing it down for me. I’m thankful for my father’s eye to detail and his resourceful efficient personality. It may not sound like it, but my parents worked together to create an environment that we were able to thrive in. Between the two of them, they gave my sister and I powerful tools and abilities because together they were the full package. It is still more natural for me to get it done efficiently than it is to step-it-out and slowly teach it. But, I can see if not fully understood; a once child now adult, might never find themselves capable, or have the confidence or search for challenges that might bring forth a sense of accomplishment. Since I understand this about myself I’m more inclined to be aware of this natural characteristic so I can implement my nurturing ability to help this student understand and complete the task on their own. Many of the homeless seem to have one major thing in common - their sense of accomplishment and confidence has been smothered to nothing.

Even our elders and those that seem to have it all together need someone to intercede for them from time to time. I don’t think our Creator is any different. If He didn’t need an intercessor there would be no need for Jesus to come to give us the gift of the Holy Spirit. In many ways my parents combined show a great example of the 3 in one. God the head, can’t look on or take sin. He is perfect in all ways and is efficient - wanting it done right and to completion. His son, Jesus - He saw the struggle man couldn’t get through without Him. So He came with patients, love, He brought understanding (not acceptance) and taught us through example and wanted to make sure we got the lesson so we could feel confident in not only our abilities but that we indeed can do anything through Him. The Holy Spirit - the Holy of Holies - could be seen as our conscious that makes us internally process these things. If we are tuning in by asking the right questions, listening with the right ears and seeing with the right eyes, revelations of understanding, a new spiritual milestone will start to unveil. I find the correlation to stark to ignore. What an amazing family to be adopted into and nurtured through!

Man had nothing to do with me coming to these realizations. Well, that’s not true. Man did fail me in my pursuit enough that I knew I wouldn’t find the answers there that I needed. I cried out to Him because I was completely alone, misunderstood and in agony, and no physician, minister, family member, or mentor could unravel it. I purposefully walked away from their suggestions, conditioning, traditions, methods and perceptions, because no one was willing to try to help me understand. No one was willing to look at the pain. No one was willing to help carry the shame placed on me that was never mine to bare. Many just listen to respond and not to try and understand what is causing the feelings behind it. That is how we ourselves find healing. That is how we help other people heal. Listening. Sometimes an ill-thought out response, bible verses, holier than thou attitudes, will hinder more than help. “That’s what Jesus would do.” Is it?! Read to understand the way Jesus taught. Just listen and listen to understand. We have a way of getting in God’s way, you know? We really have to give the Holy Spirit room to work. Many people’s eyes get fixated on the man made law. Ministers have grown comfortable in this either because it gives them more control or because they are that well conditioned. If that wasn’t the case, they would preach more about the Holy Spirit and individual spiritual gifts. Showing and teaching their flocks how to use their God given strengths to also go out and minister. It is within those gifts and training of those gifts we find the knowledge and understanding He has for us as individuals to serve the unit as a whole. Had I not relinquished that power; that I had given man, had I not put forth that milliliter of Faith that I approached God with, I would have never understood to the point of healing and growth. I truly believe He wants us experience such connection, purpose, faith, confidence the true awing power that He has to offer all of us, not just those in spiritual authority. It’s not being taught by many churches though. It’s almost looked down upon. Is your church a place of control and constraint or a place of freedom and Truth? Sometimes we have to be willing to adopt things foreign to us. Sometimes we are the adopted. Other times are are the adopter. The roles are different, but yet both are life changing. 

Miracles are still possible today. Eva’s story shows that. If we give the Holy Spirit room and learn to converse with Him - to hear and see with a different set of eyes and ears - then these miracles have more room to work and to be seen. It isn’t confusing to me anymore why God had to remove me from the church to learn this lesson, but it sure did for awhile. I’ve gone half a life time without being taught such meaningful things from our ministers. The Bible College and other Christian institutions and Mission organization I’ve been part of or have gone through didn’t teach me a quarter of the things I’ve come to know as truths and what it means to be Baptized through the Holy Spirit. Very few are teaching in this way. If you are - myself and many like me may feel comfortable in your sanctuary. I think we could make great headway if we could work together.

The spiritual instead of the religious, we actually have a lot to offer. We know it and go about our work alone and often looked down upon. Honestly, we’ve felt the judgement of man for so long many of us have acquired some pretty thick skin to it. Many of us on the out side, who have a spiritual relationship with Him, are picking up the ones the church has tossed out or aside. The damage done by and through the church is often the hardest to heal from. They’re the hardest to regain the trust of. They ask tough questions many without living it wouldn’t be able to answer. They tell harrowing accounts that many who have only known church walls might find hard to believe because it’s just too unbelievable. Yet, that has been their existence. They have had to live like that, with that, under that… sometimes it takes a person with a history to be able to talk to these individuals without them feeling unbelieved or further shamed. So why do the spiritual without a church home get such a bad rap? Why do we get continuously shamed for doing the same job with less benefits? Isn’t the objective the same? To get these brothers and sisters home? Again, sometimes it is shame that isn’t theirs. It’s guilt that isn’t theirs, but yet they are the ones that suffer. The misfits. The unwanted. The troublemakers. Just for the record, these are the people you want to come to Jesus. They can influence an entire culture many of you don’t want to go into. The world isn’t going to get any better. They know the language, they know how it feels, they know horrors and things you couldn’t imagine and how to deal with others left in those pits of despair with much more understanding and with more solutions than many found in our pews on Sunday. They are the missionaries without any church backing. They do it selflessly, they do it out of pocket, they do it to save the lost, not the select. We are often shamed and judged by those who have all the comforts and backing of a big organization. We don’t do it for or through your organization. We do it to see another brother and sister whole, confident and forever grateful in Christ.

Until you understand why someone holds the views or feelings they do, don’t judge. Until you understand why the youth are fighting mom and dad and rebelling, don’t judge. Until you know the mother getting an abortion, don’t judge. Until you hear someone’s reasoning for using meditation over medication, don’t judge. Until you understand why one someone is soft spoken, don’t judge. Until you understand the facts of the divorce, don’t judge. Until you realize the person who rejects your dinner invitation, don’t judge. Until you understand each self inflicted scar, don’t judge. Until you understand the boy behind bars, don’t judge. Until you understand the man that lives in the woods in a makeshift house, don’t judge. Until you receive random letters from one of the thousands who have suffered abuse within the church; don’t judge because you just don’t know and chances are you won’t understand, but what’s important is that you try, so you not judge. Once you know why people do what they do… you maybe surprised to learn what little choice they had or felt like they had. “Everyone has a choice”… we do if we know there’s one to be made. We do if we can trust the ones teaching and telling us what ways to go aren’t giving conflicting or hypercritical options. Each persons background directly affects their ideals and paths. Don’t shame them for things out of their control. The ripple effect/affect.

Earthly father’s can create a legacy for children to inherit and carry on. For some their inheritance comes in lasting scars and a life time of mistrust. Some create an environment for both. Thankfully we all share one Father & His inheritance isn’t anything like mans. It comes in the form of peace, of love and of understanding - what it means to be, the First and the Last.

Galatians 4 (From The Geneva Bible The 1599 Translation)

GALATIANS 4

“1Then I say, that the heire as long as hee is a childe, differeth nothing from a seruant, though he be Lord of all, 2But is vnder tutours and gouernours, vntil the time appointed of the Father. 3Euen so, we when wee were children, were in bondage vnder the rudiments of the world. 4But when the fulnesse of time was come, God sent forth his Sonne made of a woman, and made vnder the Lawe, 5That hee might redeeme them which were vnder the Law, that we might receiue the adoption of the sonnes. 6And because ye are sonnes, God hath sent foorth the Spirit of his Sonne into your heartes, which crieth, Abba, Father. 7Wherefore, thou art no more a seruant, but a sonne: now if thou be a sone, thou art also the heire of God through Christ. 8But euen then, when ye knewe not God, yee did seruice vnto them, which by nature are not gods: 9But now seeing ye knowe God, yea, rather are knowen of God, howe turne ye againe vnto impotent and beggerly rudiments, whereunto as from the beginning ye wil be in bondage againe? 10Ye obserue dayes, and moneths, and times and yeeres. 11I am in feare of you, lest I haue bestowed on you labour in vaine. 12Be ye as I (for I am euen as you) brethren, I beseech you: ye haue not hurt me at all. 13And ye know, how through infirmitie of the flesh, I preached ye Gospel vnto you at the first. 14And the trial of me which was in my flesh, ye despised not, neither abhorred: but ye receiued me as an Angel of God, yea, as Christ Iesus. 15What was then your felicitie? for I beare you recorde, that if it had bene possible, ye would haue plucked out your owne eyes, and haue giuen them vnto me. 16Am I therefore become your enemie, because I tell you the trueth? 17They are ielous ouer you amisse: yea, they woulde exclude you, that ye shoulde altogether loue them. 18But it is a good thing to loue earnestly alwayes in a good thing, and not onely when I am present with you, 19My litle children, of whome I trauaile in birth againe, vntill Christ be formed in you. 20And I would I were with you nowe, that I might change my voyce: for I am in doubt of you. 21Tell me, ye that will be vnder the Law, doe ye not heare the Lawe? 22For it is written, that Abraham had two sonnes, one by a seruant, and one by a free woman. 23But he which was of the seruant, was borne after the flesh: and he which was of the free woman, was borne by promise. 24By the which things another thing is meant: for these mothers are the two testaments, the one which is Agar of mount Sina, which gendreth vnto bondage. 25(For Agar or Sina is a mountaine in Arabia, and it answereth to Hierusalem which nowe is) and she is in bondage with her children. 26But Hierusalem, which is aboue, is free: which is the mother of vs all. 27For it is written, Reioyce thou barren that bearest no children: breake forth, and cry, thou that trauailest not: for the desolate hath many moe children, then she which hath an husband. 28Therefore, brethren, wee are after the maner of Isaac, children of the promise. 29But as then hee that was borne after the flesh, persecuted him that was borne after the Spirit, euen so it is nowe. 30But what sayth the Scripture? Put out the seruant and her sonne: for the sonne of the seruant shall not be heire with the sonne of the free woman. 31Then brethren, we are not children of the seruant, but of the free woman.”