A Letter From Eva

Chapter 3

4.8.19'

A Letter From Eva

Dear Mr. Kurtson,

     

      I wanted to reach out to thank you for sitting with me in that pew on a Thursday, 3.21.2019. Words cannot express what all took place for me that day, but then again I tend to be a long winded writer, so I’ll give it a shot.

It had been about 18 years since I stepped foot onto the grounds of CCC. To my surprise, someone was walking out of the double doors of the church, so I was able to walk in without paging the front desk. The hallways were clear. I could hear talking in the main office, but didn’t see anyone, & I didn’t wait around to be seen. I made my way down the steps that lead to the dark entry way to the sanctuary. Once through the doors, I stopped in my tracks. My eyes needed to adjust to the complete darkness of what was already a very frightening place. This being an institution myself and many others may never feel safe in again. I stood there a minute until I could feel my feet again and willed myself to the third pew from the back; center of the sound booth, where I used to sit. I think the hardest and most upsetting part was that initial sitting and looking down at the pulpit. A 9 year old girl once sat here next to her abuser. She would focus on the words of the pastor more than most 9 year olds to try and drown out the confusion. It just caused more. In the middle of a congregation of 300-400 it felt like she tried to scream but no sound could be made. Now, 20 some years later, I sat there determined to pray and put things to rest. To talk to God in the space and ask Him what good, why, what purpose, how can You justify this? I was grinding my teeth and using pressure points to keep from crying. I wanted to show these walls that I had some type of control in a place where, at one time, I had none. Turns out God had a different plan; a better one, & gave me answers to all of those questions and more. 

You came in and turned on some low lights over the stage and pulpit. You startled me as much as, I did you. I was thankful you didn’t reprimand me or ask me to leave. I honestly expected it. I was a complete stranger to you sitting in a dark vacant sanctuary. No, instead you walked by to turn on some sound equipment & said, hello. I said, hello back. You walked passed me, down the long aisle way, and took a seat at the piano & started to rehearse Sunday’s music selection. The music did me in. I was completely naked and stripped of all my own at that point. Again. In this place. My capturer - my jail cell. This time though, the jail walls were shaken, because I cried out in a way I was heard; & you sir, listened and followed the Spirit’s call. Those walls needed to see and hear such obedience. I feel it had been a long time in the making. All of these things came together to create a beautiful and angelic symphony that was in its infancy of taring down what needed to be built back up. They were shaken so badly the mortar separated from the brick and I could see cracks of promising light & the most powerful beautiful & ambient sound…

Teri Furr, puts it very well. We become prisoners of our own admission. As if the Warden is yelling in your ear, “You belong here… You can’t leave… I own you…” Rev. 2:5; Phil 1:1-5. Like the captive woman of Zion. My prison just happened to be the sanctuary; the place I was kept & told I belonged, was in that church, carrying every body else’s guilt and shame since no one else wanted to claim it. Surrounded by those fortified walls and the royal purple velvet pews. The safest place you would think you could entrust your kids and self to - turned out to be the place that I held my self away as a hostage for way to many years. All those years of waiting for someone to come save me — to rescue me from the abuse, the secrets, the shame & guilt, the fear, the self loathing, bitterness and paralyzing stigma that, “You belong here.” In a church, thats where God is, right? Of all places you expect God to show up, is in His house, right? He never came the way I wanted Him too or the way I thought He would appear. I expected Him to send a man, a carnal, to save me. I was looking with the wrong set of eyes. Most Christians do. At least - that’s the only way ‘I’m able to justify’ any of this mess.

A loose conditioning can be more damaging than brainwashing in itself. In loose conditioning rather it be religion, government, the family network - in this conditioning we can accumulate guilt and shame. Whereas in brainwashing, you wouldn’t have the need for those spiritual qualities.

I would like to share a dream I had this past Friday night. I was invited to a women’s conference in Savannah, Ga. It was a live feed of, Priscilla Shirer (from the war-room).

“Last night I had a dream. It comes the night before attending a conference on the biological makeup of the grapevine. It also comes nearly two weeks after I made a 13-hour drive just to sit in the pew of my childhood church - where my life changed around the age of 9. In my dream I was in the main sanctuary of the, CCC Church I grew up in. The then pastor walks in through the bottom double doors and our eyes meet. He walks towards me and I am frozen in fear. Fear of the backlash I might get after speaking to a colleague of his nearly 20 years later about the sexual and spiritual abuse I and others received at the hands of his flock. He stands in front of me and says nothing. My eyes are full of tears he reaches out his arms in hopes I come to him. Only in a dream would I hesitantly fall into them. Perhaps why I was given this dream. I remain there until I wake, which seemed like a long while.”

Do I think that man in my dream was this pastor - this supposed man of God? Not one bit. Do I think that that man was the Holy Spirit giving me closure knowing I'll never receive the apology or accountability I need from man? Yes. Do I think God's timing is perfect in all of this even after so many years of trying to doctor this open wound my self? Yes. Do I think it was God's way of letting me know, "That wasn't of me?". Yes. Was this God’s way of shaking me & letting me know He still has use and purpose for me? …Probably more now than ever before - because through uncomfortable obedience I was finally able to see and hear clearer than before. It should scare others as much as it shakes me to my core.

The wake of this abuse has altered not only my life, but that of my son’s, my x-husbands and the relationship between my parents sibling and myself. This pastor, allowed the course of many people’s lives to be altered under the cloak of what was to be a cloak of safety, of faith, of promise, of “spiritual growth” of endurance, of encouragement & love. Instead, he turned my parents against me in my formative years. Instead, he gave invalid sermons on how a follower of Christ is to live vs. how I observed it was actually lived by those of spiritual authority. Instead, he worried about a scandal during the last few years before his retirement. Instead, he shamed the abused instead of helping them heal. Instead of going out and finding one of the 99 - 1 of the 99 was sacrificed and made to carry the guilt and shame of others. Spiritual leaders neglect to see the long-lasting effects spiritual abuse causes. It comes in many different and deceptive forms - some conscious and some not. I can’t imagine what some of this church’s youth would have accomplished without this crud the church left on us. Guess what though, wether it’s always been God’s plan or He’s adapted His plan due to man’s carnal and free willed nature, He’s obviously got something in store.

My abuser in the church used a wheelchair. When my husband of four years was hit while on a motorcycle and left paralyzed from the waist down - our marriage didn’t stand a chance. I hadn’t had the opportunity or the correct path of healing to see him any longer as my husband. Anytime he would try to touch me I was left traumatized all over again, which was traumatizing and hurtful to him who was already hurting enough. It wasn’t the sexual trauma as much as it was the spiritual trauma. I had no one to lean on. The church wasn’t safe. My family didn’t feel safe. Now my husband didn’t feel safe. People don’t see this though - They just see a wife leaving their husband because he’s no longer a full-bodied person. 

Instead of accountability and guidance, I was told by spiritual heads at the age of 15 that I, “needed to get over it”. I was told that it happens to a lot of girls. I was told that “it's just a body”… Yes, but they had no idea or didn’t care about the spiritual and soul that gets ravaged and torn apart. 

The pastor came to visit my parents after my claims of abuse had surfaced. He sat in our kitchen and told them that since I was adopted, we don’t know what kind of mental issues I might have. That I was a troubled girl in need of “help.” Yes, most abused children do become troubled if it isn’t believed or corrected. He went on to say that my parents were welcome back to the church, but I no longer could attend, as I was disrupting the growth of other Christians. My parents were brainwashed. I felt abandoned by not only the church but by my own parents who continued to attend. If the church has that much power - It is too much. My spirit was completely broken - but now I see their spirits too were just… shattered by carnal men in spiritual authority as mine was. 

“Blind belief in authority is the greatest enemy of truth” ~Albert Einstein.

I tried to get my son into church. Before husband’s accident I had made great strides in that area. I was attending a Baptist church & doing quite well. My son enjoyed it too. After my husband’s accident, I would take my then 6 year old son and sit in the parking lot and weep instead of going inside. He saw his mother terrified of the church. I didn’t realize what I was doing to my own son and his relationship with God in my own pain and trauma. I felt like I needed the church. It would end up just leading to more pain and trauma - I was breaking my son’s spirit. No, I needed my Savior. Not another tweener of flesh and bones. My son still refuses to believe there is a God… I feel completely responsible for this. Look at this ripple affect! This is Godly?! This one ill-thought-out choice from a group of men in spiritual authority had the power to create this ripple to spread over the course of 20+ years. Let that sink in. I still have a hard time wrapping my head around it. This is misrepresentation at the very least of the insults to our Heavenly Father. The forethought was never given to see how those actions (or lack there of) would not only alter but nearly destroy a human spirit; & not just one human spirit, many! There were 300-400 souls in those pews each week that were fed manipulative self-serving lies (blind or conscious I don’t know) that take years to unravel if one is lucky enough to see how conditioned or completely brainwashed they once were. That’s what church was to be all about, isn’t it? A person’s soul? No, I was only taught by experience that the church is only about controlling and manipulating the Word of God to fit personal agendas. Their flock - completely blind to it. I can’t tell you the amount of frustration that sits on the shoulders of those who see through those fakers and self-appointed god complexes. This is spiritual abuse, and it affected me more than the sexual abuse itself. Yes, I can take the abuse to my body. But the church messed with my spirit. Spiritual abuse is highly damaging to the very spirit of a person.  Accountability needs to be brought back to our churches & it will have to start within the congregation. 

      The Lord has sent me some powerful people who are pushing me in extraordinary ways. I’m trying my hardest to stay the course and absorb every little grain of knowledge I can from these people - asking God to show and prove to me what His truths are and how to apply them. I consider you one of those people, Mr. Kurtson. Even our very brief and unexpected encounter that rainy Ohio afternoon. It was one of those moments I will carry with me forever. A remembrance of God’s healing and intent for our lives - that it’s never too late - you’re never too far gone - we’re all sinners and fall short - that we all need to forgive and be forgiven. How precious each and every soul is to Him our Father. “The body doesn’t just happen to have a Soul, the Soul just happens to have a Body…” This is why I feel like spiritual abuse is one of the most detrimental and unspoken forms of abuse that there is. The body only lasts a lifetime & can take one heck of a beating! Our spirit goes on for eternity. In some ways I feel like being carnal might be one of the hardest tasks a spirit goes through.

First and most importantly, Thank you for receiving me, speaking with me, praying with me. It was divine intervention - from the music you played that triggered the emotions I needed to get the ball rolling so to speak - to the sympathetic & what I felt to be a heartfelt & shared agony of what happened at CCC all those years ago. Thank you for taking the time and energy to sit and listen & pray with me. Thank you for taking me seriously and receiving me.And sadly, in so many other churches around the world. It has created its own ripple effect - I assure you. That in itself was incredibly healing to be able to share in that place - at that time - with a complete stranger. I’m incredibly thankful He sent you to be there as Jesus with skin on that afternoon. There are many more who need that, Mr. Kurston. 

Thank you, & God Bless you and your family,